Tides

Tides

Love, like life can be so fleeting.  We never know when we wake up in the morning if our life will be the same by nightfall.  When we pour love into another living being, what will be the outcome ?  Personally, I have rescued many creatures – cats, dogs and birds that have been hit on highways or busy city streets – newborn chicks, wild birds, baby kittens, goats, even tried to help two wild horse foals from the BLM.  Sadly though, the wild horse foals were too far gone to save – but they knew kindness at the end.  So many nights of dropper feeding half pound baby goats…….most of which had good outcomes.  But then we get to the “saving the humans” aspect of life.  I have to try and help people.  While I am not currently certified, I am an EMT, a vet tech, a should have been a doctor or vet person.  What I am not, is  a people person.  I am very happy living without having to bother with them.  Family however, well, there is the catch.  We took care of my dad until he passed.  Congestive heart failure.  It was so sad…….then my husband got sick and passed eventually  (managed to accidentally poison himself with a wood preservative product, which sent him into liver failure but didn’t die for two years).  I really didn’t sleep with both eyes shut for almost two years of caring for him.  Being on call took on an entirely new meaning.  Got used to sleeping in my clothing, and going from lying next to my husband resting or sleeping – to being jarred awake by his pain and his panic – I got used to going from being asleep  to driving to the hospital with the heater going full blast within 5 minutes.  Zero to driving in short order.  My husband, as his condition progressed, lost the ability to keep himself warm. He went from his normal 170 lbs to 130 lbs or less…….no fat to keep him warm.  I on the other hand was fueled by caffeine and nerves…….should have been able to keep the car warm withOUT the heater…..but it didn’t work that way.  Ugh.  Now, after our vacation, I have done a fair bit of thinking……..(oh no say my friends and family :))  and it isn’t that I don’t miss companionship, or a relationship per se……it is that getting into the situation that may lead to being a caregiver again……..uh…….well……..that is where things get difficult for me.

I know, if we don’t take that first step on a path, we never know where it will lead.  We will theoretically miss some fine bits of life.  For me, that is just too scary, at least for right now.  Meeting a seemingly normal really good looking nice smart fellow, well it makes me think.  Just a little bit.  What am I missing ? By shutting out that option, am I happy right now ?  I can honestly say yes, but I wish I had more time for writing………so I think I am ok !

For now, I am happy with the fact I have hay here,  Mom is doing better and better,  we have all gotten on the mend from the flu or whatever we have had for weeks………lots of everyday things to be thankful for.  I have a new container of nonfat yogurt in the refreezerator.  I have a new container of roasted unsalted almonds.  Food for my son.  We even have firewood in the yard, and it isn’t even cold yet ! 

Life goes on, whether or not it is the way we want it to be.  The people we want to be in it.  The way it speeds along……I am thankful for so much.   The times we love, the times we wish we could simply freeze in place, to keep there so we can revisit them when we need to…..those things that are called memories can be just as fleeting. 

Hug your family close – tell people who you care about that you care………just because we feel something, does not mean the other people know it !

Enjoy your last bit of summer day !

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