Lilacs, the big old tree May 6, 2012

As I stand by the lilacs this morning, I am in awe of their beauty.  Our biggest tree is HUGE.  It is getting ready to be fully in bloom.  The younger different varieties are already blooming.  The big tree is the largest I have ever seen.  It is of course made of a number of trunks as lilacs tend to do. Their scent is what I dream of at times.  Now it is ever present, that is until the blooms fade and they go back to being green trees.  Or tall wide bushes.  Not quite sure which.  The weather is warm finally.  I find myself wondering how this place can seem so perfect yet is for most of the year unpleasant.  I hear about tornados in the Midwest.  I say “why on earth would people stay there,  much less move there?”  So much for that attitude.  I have to turn that on myself.  It has now been 10 years since we moved here in a whirlwind of anxiety and unknown.  Within a short period of time, my husband was in liver failure (accidental poisoning with a wood preservative product) and the next several years passed with him being so sick it was heartbreaking.  I say I slept with my eyes open for that time, which isn’t untrue really.  He would go from being manageable pain wise to off the chart, call the ambulance, off to the ER again.  He never gave up hope for a transplant, but he was either too sick, or just above not quite dead and the fit and the call never came.  On Sunday, it will be 8 years since he died, here at home.  He told me on one of the last trips back from the hospital, that at least we moved to a beautiful place to die.  Sad.  True.

After that, I spent years slowly dying.  I was so shot emotionally, and trying to keep up with not giving up our dream of having a goat dairy…of not being able to even think clearly enough to disperse things in an expedient manner…. well things went to, well down the crapper per se.  I was sick too.  I have a laundry list of things “wrong” with me, I have a broken neck, not surgically stabilized.  I should have zero movement, my neck is totally snapped the other direction that it should be.  Two neuro docs have told me that they could try and fix it, but I would likely lose function.  And since no one who looks at my mri films can see how I have any motion at all, well, I will keep what I have thank you very much.  I have Rheumatoid Arthritis.  Then as I said, I was sick.   I was dying slowly.  Artificial sweetener toxicity.  Aspartame.  4 – 6 cans of diet Coke a day.  I didn’t drink coffee then.  That stuff, it will kill you people, it will. It mimics MS.  Look it up.  Stop consuming it if you want to live longer.   But like some people who smoke all their lives and die at 100 with no problems, there are some who have issues (me) and some who don’t.  It causes weight gain as it tricks our body into craving carbs.  Do you find it hard to lose weight and keep it off?  Duh!  Stay away from diet anything.  Eat food that was available, unaltered 100 years ago.  No processed stuff, if you must eat those Cheetos, get a small bag.  And be done with it.  There are healthier ways to live, and I have finally seen the light 🙂

The big moon the other night

So, now I am just me.  I write.  I take photos with the camera that makes me nuts.  Maybe next month I can get a battery for my old 35 mm camera.  That is a good plan.  So, I write, and I will refine and I will send my manuscript to other people.  Maybe by setting it free it will come back with a better future attached for us all.  That would be nice.

I would really appreciate it.

Have a good day all – and take the time to tell those you love how you feel.